Steven Wright Zitate auf Englisch

Zitat des Tages von Steven Wright:

How young can you die of old age?

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

Steven Wright

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.

Steven Wright

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Steven Wright

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Steven Wright

It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.

Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven Wright

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Steven Wright

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Steven Wright

It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'

Steven Wright

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Steven Wright

The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.

Steven Wright

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Steven Wright

I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

Steven Wright

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

Steven Wright

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Steven Wright

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Steven Wright

To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

Steven Wright

I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.

Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Steven Wright

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

Steven Wright

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Steven Wright

I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

Steven Wright

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

Steven Wright

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Steven Wright

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

Steven Wright

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Steven Wright

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Steven Wright

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Steven Wright

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

Steven Wright

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

Steven Wright